


How Beautiful

by grayeagle



Category: Lady Midnight, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Post-Book 1: Lady Midnight, So much angst, Spoilers for Book 1: Lady Midnight, also there is no spoilers for lord of shadows here folks, just good old fashioned fic where the only bad stuff happening is the teenage angs, kit training as a shadowhunter and ANGST, ty blackthorn is an angsty teen believe me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-08-27 16:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8408524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayeagle/pseuds/grayeagle
Summary: Livvy grinned wide, and Kit was suddenly struck with how the smile of one twin could feel so different from that of the other. Livvy's was bigger and brighter, but it just didn't hold that spark that made his chest feel warm, and full of light.-Kit is now living at the Institute, begrudgingly training to become a Shadowhunter. He would have left already, but his father was dead, and he has no other place to go. His only solace was a dark haired boy who understands the troubles of being an outsider. Kit wasn't even looking friendship with the Shadowhunters, but he thinks he may have found that and more.





	1. Chapter 1

 

Kit knew that Ty was watching him just outside the training room door. In the past half hour he had heard him shuffle against the creaking wood paneling, and the slight jingle and clink that came from whatever metal contraption Ty was working on gave him away. Kit didn't mind; in the past few months he had come to learn not to pressure Ty into anything or to question his mildly strange habits. To a certain extent, Kit even enjoyed it. The quirks and oddities are what made Ty, Ty. So if he wanted to watch as Kit awkwardly fumbled with a staff- a weapon he had never encountered in the Shadow Market or with his father- then that was fine with him.  
He only wished that Ty might come in and trust Kit with his presence. To an overwhelming degree, Ty was the person that Kit most enjoyed being around: he was the one of the only Shadowhunters who never tried to pressure him to become one of them. At first, it was merely refreshing, but Kit gradually began to realize what a pleasent gift Ty's company was. As if he could read his thoughts, Kit heard Ty take a deep breath and push the heavy mahogany door all the way open and saw him walk in through the corner of his eye. Kit made a point to to glance over and smile welcomingly. He never wanted Ty to feel unwanted or uneasy around him. Angel knew he had a hard enough time with that around other people. 

 

"Oh, hey Ty, are you here to train?" Kit asked, as if he hadn't known that Ty had been there all along. 

"No. I came to ask ... Livvy wanted me to ask ..." Ty trailed off, hands now furiously tinkering with what looked like wire and paperclips. His eyes danced from his hands to a spot right above Kit's eyes. Kit noticed that Ty wasn't wearing his headphones around his neck like he usually does around the Institute, and his hair was more tame than usual, but decided not to mention it. It was Ty's business, and Kit didn't want to interfere with that. Instead he simply nodded at Ty to continue, and he seemed to get the hint. 

"Livvy and I wanted to know if you wanted to go the beach. With us, tomorrow. I realized that you hadn't been since coming here, and non of us have been since Malcolm ... since you got here either. Livvy loves the beach, so I go with her, but I usually read. I understand if you don't want to go. You don't have to." Ty's words began to speed up and Kit could see him start to close off, for some reason unknown to him. If he hadn't known that Ty didn't liked to be touched unexpectedly, Kit might have reached out to gab Ty's shoulder as he turned to leave. 

Instead, he only said, "Ty, wait." When Ty paused for a moment and turned back to face Kit, he continued. "I would really like to go down to the beach with you - and Livvy. Even if all you do is read Sherlock Holmes. It's much better than being in this place. Being reminded of how much I don't belong or fit in with all of you." Kit didn't mean to unload that much onto Ty, but sometimes he couldn't help it. He trusted Ty in a way he didn't expect to after he held a knife to his throat. 

At his words, Kit saw Ty give him a small half-smile and nod before leaving the room. Embarrassingly, Kit could feel himself beaming with pride. Whatever he'd said had clearly been enough to make Ty smile, even if was only a small one. Kit had been at the Institute long enough now to know that Ty's smiles were uncommon and precious things - usually only brought about by Livvy.

When he had first arrived here, a smile from Ty would have meant next to nothing to him. The most thought he would have put into it was how Ty's smile complimented his eyes. But now Kit considered Ty to be his closest ally and friend at the Institute. A close second was Livvy, but she tended to talk a lot to cover up any pauses or lilts in conversation. Ty sometimes wouldn't speak at all, and Kit even found these shared silences to be enjoyable.

It was those hours they'd spent on opposite sides of a closed door that had their bond, Kit thought. In the first few weeks after his father had been killed and he began living at the Institute, he refused to talk to anyone. All the Shadowhunters had wanted to talk about was his father's past, training, or Marks. They even tries calling him Herondale and brought in some quack who claimed to be his family. But Ty was never like that. Often he would sit outside of Kit's locked bedroom door and just talk to him. About Sherlock Holmes, his books, anything. Some days they would just sit without a single words passed between them, content to have someone to share the quiet with.

Quickly, Ty had become the only person Kit could trust, with Livvy following soon after. Livvy was the one who slowly convinced Kit to begin training, and he had only begun recently. As much as he wanted to take Ty's side when he said that training wasn't necessary to be a Shadowhunter, Kit hated to admit that he did rather enjoy it.  
With a final flourish of the staff, Kit set it down and began to exit the training room.

Suddenly, Livvy burst into the room, nearly knocking Kit onto his ass.

"Kit! Hi! Ty told me you were coming the beach with us tomorrow. He also said he didn't mention it when he was here, but Mark is coming with us. He hasn't had much of a good time since coming back to Los Angeles, so I asked him along as well. That might mean that Emma and Julian come as well. Is that okay?" Livvy asked, and Kit nodded in agreeance. Livvy grinned wide, and Kit was suddenly struck with how the smile of one twin could feel so different from that of the other. Livvy's was bigger and brighter, but it just didn't hold that spark that made his chest feel warm, and full of light.

It was an interesting thought, but Kit didn't dwell on it for long.


	2. Beyond Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *nicki minaj voice*  
> let's go to the beach each, let's go get away

Kit's father had never taken him to the beach. His whole life, he had lived less than two hours from the sand and waves, but he had never been. Johnny Rook had always been to busy to take his son out to do such trivial things. With every fiber of his being, he wanted to hate and distrust the Shadowhunters just like his father had taught him, but they were making it harder and harder to do so. He stared out the small car window as Emma announced that they were almost there. He could already smell the salt drafting up from the waterfront, and it surprised him how excited he was. If someone had told him a year ago that he'd be taking a merry trip down to the beach with half the Los Angeles Institute, he would have laughed and thought they were crazy. 

Next to him, Ty fidgeted in his seat. The whole ride, Kit had been acutely aware of the black haired Blackthorn sitting next to him, even if Ty had done nothing but stare straight ahead for the short trip. Again, Kit saw that Ty's neck was noticeably bare of headphones, but brushed it off as nothing more than coincidence. True to his word, though, he carried not one but two books in his lap. It made Kit smile at how different Ty seemed to be than the other Shadowhunters. It made him feel less isolated and alone. Kit's whole childhood had been hiding in the basement, skirting around the Shadow Market, and being an outsider everywhere he went. Never supernatural enough for the shadow world, but never mundane enough for the human world. Ty made him feel like maybe that was okay; that being in stuck somewhere strange in the middle was alright if you had someone else there with you. 

The car stopped, and Kit was jolted out his own thoughts. Ty finally looked over at him, and Kit realized just how long he may have been staring at the other boy. Suddenly, he felt guilty, remembering what Livvy had once said about Ty being uncomfortable with people staring at him. Quickly, Kit turned his head and practically threw himself out of the car. 

"Whoa there, little Herondale, no need to go so fast. I drove us a little farther out to a quieter place on the beach, so we won't be interrupted or seen by mundanes. We have all the time in the world." Emma spoke, not even looking at Kit. She was staring out onto the water, and the sand. She had on a look that Kit had never seen her wear, one that he thought was impossible for a Shadowhunter. In that moment, she looked more vulnerable and lost than Kit had ever imagined Emma being. But those thoughts went to the back of his mind as he could feel his face flush with embarrassment and anger. He hated when the adults of the Institute referred to him as a Herondale, but it was another thing that Emma had done it.

From behind him, Kit heard Livvy whisper something to Ty, but he couldn't pick up what she was saying. He thought they were merely commenting on Emma's strange bout of emotion when Ty spoke up.

"He's not a Herondale, Emma. He doesn't want to be, and wasn't raised as one. You made him uncomfortable, and you should apologize." Ty spoke a bit louder than Kit was used to hearing. Kit might have gotten mad at anyone else for trying to fight his battles for him, but from Ty it was endearing, and nearly made Kit's face flush with something other than anger. If anything, he felt as if he could stand a bit taller now.

Emma glanced at Ty, eyebrows slightly raised. Her gaze moved to Kit, then to Livvy, and finally back to Ty.   
"I'm sorry," she said before turning back to Mark. 

Emma quickly began to walk off with Mark, so Kit waited for Ty and Livvy to collect themselves so they could all go down to the water together. Kit noticed that Ty was wearing dark jeans and a t-shirt, with obviously no intention of setting foot in the water. Livvy, on the other hand, looked like she had stepped out of some summer swimwear magazine. She was wearing several articles of clothing that Kit didn't even know the name to. She glanced over at him as Kit was watching the twins, and she winked and waved. He only had a moment for confusion before Livvy jogged up to him and began pulling him toward the beach. Kit looked back at Ty and saw him make no move to catch up with them. He wouldn't even look at Kit, no matter how many times he tried to catch Ty's eye. Finally, he gave in and let Livvy drag him away.

* * *

 

Several hours later, Livvy was still floating in the waves, and Ty was sitting in a fold up chair, reading. Kit had planned to spend most of the day relaxing in the sand, next to Ty, making irreverent conversation like they used to. But Livvy had dragged him into the water, and he hadn't minded talking with her for a while. Mostly they only spoke of Emma, Mark, and Julian. Kit could tell that Livvy was concerned, but it was something that he could never really grasp. Livvy had tried explaining to him before about how amicable Emma and Julian were before Kit had arrived, and close parabatai were supposed to be, but Kit was almost positive it wasn't friendship or familial affection in Julian's eyes when he looked at Emma. He assumed he had no right to an opinion in the matter though, and never mentioned it to Livvy. He just sank in the water and nodded along as she spoke, glancing away from her ever so often to check on Ty. When Livvy seemed to let the lull in conversation become a nice silence, Kit dove under the blue green water one last time and began to paddle gently to shore.

When he reached the shore, he shook his head out like a dog. He realized then that he hadn't brought a change of clothes, or even a towel, and that he'd have to air dry. He lifted his hands in the air ever so slightly, feeling out the temperature. He decided that it was nice enough out that he wouldn't mind just laying out in the sand, shirtless. Without too much thought, he chose a spot next to Ty's chair and sat down without a word. Kit looked over to Ty to see if he might say something at Kit's sudden intrusion, but he remained adamantly still. Too still, Kit mulled as he laid out on his back with a sigh. As he continued to glance at Ty out of the corner of his eye, Kit noticed that Ty's knuckles were going white from his tight grip on the hardback he was reading. Or not reading, Kit thought as he saw Ty's eyes remain completely still instead of tracking the words on the page. A strange pressure began to build itself in Kit's stomach. 

"Ty," he said cautiously, "do you not like me? Are we friends?" Kit didn't know what brought on the sudden questions, but once he had said them, he couldn't help but wonder if maybe their bond was all in his head. The thought brought him a sharp pain in his chest, and made him slump down further into the sand. He felt as if he suddenly couldn't take his eyes off the dark black curls and handsome angles that made up Ty until he had an answer. Slowly, Ty closed the book he was pretending to read and laid it gently on his lap. He still stared out at the water, refusing to look at Kit. He knew Ty never liked to maintain eye contact, but this was different. He wouldn't even look in Kit's direction, as if the air around him made Ty physically ill. And he had been doing it all day. In a weird moment of confusion, Kit thought that if only Ty would _look_ at him, he could abandon these sudden insecurities and enjoy the rest of the day. 

Ty was silent for a few moments longer, and Kit began to dread the worst. He didn't know what brought on these sudden thoughts of doubt, but Kit knew what Ty looked like when he wanted to duck and run from a conversation or person. And lately, it seemed that person might be Kit. 

"I don't dislike you," Ty mumbled quietly, while continuing to look out towards his sister. Kit felt elated for a moment, but his mood quickly fell again when he realized the question Ty neglected to answer. 

"Ty, I know you know that's not a real answer. I know I can be pushy sometimes, but you can tell me to fuck off. If I'm wrong in thinking we're close ... if I'm a problem then-"

"No," Ty interjected adamantly. He turned away from the sea and finally looked at Kit. Kit felt as if the air was lighter, and breathing became easier. Ty was actually making eye contact with him, and Kit felt himself wishing that the storming grey eyes never leave his. A second passed before Kit could even see the frustration in Ty's features. He almost asked about it before Ty continued. 

"No. No, you're not the problem. You're ... something else. Something better. I'm the problem. I can barely function throughout the day without those stupid headphones. I can't help but look at you and think that maybe you'd be better off befriending Mark, or Julian. Someone who's normal..." Ty began to trail off, and Kit barely noticed when he started to turn away again and settle back into his plastic chair. He was too caught up in what Ty had just said to really see anything that happened more than three inches from his face. 

How could Ty think he was a problem? To anyone, let alone Kit. If anything, Ty was the solution to most problem's Kit seemed to face nowadays. Just being around the other boy could get Kit out of his head and away from the negative thoughts that seemed to plague him so often.  It seemed ridiculous that Ty could even think about himself like he was less than amazing. And yet ... Livvy had mentioned once that Ty hates being different and separated from the other Shadowhunters. That he never says it in so many words, but she could tell. The lack of headphones began to make sense, and that made Kit wince internally. The fact that Ty could have such a high level of self hatred hurt him. Ty was one of his only friends, after all.   
A minute of pure silence passed between them before Kit could even think of anything to say in return.

"Mark is strange sometimes, I'll give him that," Kit thought aloud, looking up at the cloudless blue sky. He could hear Ty turn in his chair, prepared with a slew of questions. Kit ignored his better instincts and continued. "And Julian can be quite obsessive. But they're both too boring. Too normal. I like people like me. Different. Never really part of the group. That's where you find the best kind of people, you know?" Kit figured that was a good place to end, even if the small mini speech sounded less insulting in his head. Somehow, though, he knew Ty would get the message.

Kit tilted his head toward Ty and glanced at him. The young Blackthorn was sitting in the chair, looking down at his clasped hands. When Kit saw the small upward curve of the other boy's lips, he swore he would do whatever he could do never make Ty feel like less that what he is. It was a strange, what Kit was feeling. He had only known Ty for less than half a year, but he couldn't see a life where they weren't friends. It just seemed natural that they would be together, that the universe somehow needed Ty to hold a knife against his throat. It was a bizarre thought, especially since it wasn't normal for Kit to believe in anything close to fate, but nothing about the bond between them was normal anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kept typing Ky over and over in this chapter...editing for daayys.
> 
> I also listened to a lot of Queen while writing this, so I apologize for all the angst. Freddie Mercury does that to me.
> 
> Also, here's to hoping that Californian beaches aren't that different from Floridian beaches, otherwise this chapter may be totally inaccurate.
> 
> (I kinda stole those last few lines from my older brother talking about his fiancee. sorry bro)


	3. I'll Miss You

It'd been a week since they had gone to the beach, and Kit couldn't tell if anything had changed. At times, it felt like things with Ty were just as they had always been. They talked, and Ty had begun wearing his headphones again. It reminded Kit of the days when they had just become friends and they just found comfort in each other. On the other hand, everything had changed. Ty began to train with Kit in the early morning, and Kit has found himself only training when Ty is available. There are days when everything seems so drastically different, that he wonders if everyone in the Institute can see it. But after each passing day and none of them utter a word about the change in dynamic, Kit convinces himself it's all in his head. It's not hard for him to believe; Kit had been thinking about Ty non-stop for days now. The thoughts were often random, but he most often wondered about what went on in Ty's mind. If the other boy was as overly analytical out their friendship, if even thought about Kit at all when they weren't together. For some reason, the thought that Kit might be an afterthought to Ty hurt him more than he could fathom. 

What was most surprising to Kit, of course, was that he often found his mind wandering to a different Blackthorn child as well. Mark was an enigma to him. He didn't understand how he could blend in so well with the rest of the Shadowhunters while standing out as vibrantly as he did. Kit hated to admit it, but he was slightly jealous of the older Blackthorn. Mark seemed free in a way that Kit could never see himself being, not now, not ever again. And, not that he would ever say the words out loud, but Kit also found himself envious of Mark's relationships. He could see that everyone around him had a connection to Mark. Christina seemed drawn to him, Julian seemed keen on protecting him, and the the faerie that secretly visited the Institute was obviously in love with him. Kit wanted that. He wanted a Julian to look out for him, and he wanted a group of people that found him interesting enough to be around him all the time. He was young, but Kit wanted someone like too handsome faerie. Someone to ... love him. 

It was embarrassing to think about, and Kit could practically hear his father laughing in the back of his mind. _Only women concern themselves with things as petty as love and feelings_ , his father would have said. Kit knew it wasn't true, he had seen that it wasn't. Anyone could take a single look at Julian in the same room as Emma and see the 'petty' emotions all over him. But it was hard to shake his father's practices and lessons from his head. Everyday he heard the disgusted tone his father took on when he discussed Shadowhunters. It was the reason he resisted so heavily when Tessa Gray had brought him here. Ty was the one who started to shut out the voice of Johnny Rook inside Kit's head.

Kit sighed. No matter what he did, or what he thought, he always seemed to find his way back to Ty. On a whim, he left the solitude of his bedroom and ventured the short distance down the hall to the only room outside of the Institute's library that was overflowing with books. A bit too many books, in Kit's opinion. He was a step outside Ty's door, ready to knock, when loud whispers made him stop dead in his tracks.

"Livvy, we've talked about this already. You've asked me again and again, and I'm still saying no. I'm sorry. You know my decision." Ty's voice was firm, and Kit was shocked. He had never heard Ty deny anything that Livvy had asked.

Livvy was quick to retort. "I know you think it will make you happy, but Ty, I'm begging now. Please, stay. Become parabatai with me. I can fight, and you can research and study as much as you want. We'd be the perfect team."

Kit was staring at the door now. He'd been living at the Institute for months and he had no idea that Livvy wanted Ty to become her parabatai- a sacred bond and partnership that would connect the two for life. For the life of him, Kit couldn't think of a reason that Ty might turn his twin sister down. Ty loved Livvy more than he loved anyone in the world. It didn't make sense. Finally, he knocked on the heavy oak door. He heard Livvy swear under her breath before she opened the door a fraction of an inch.

She smiled a quick, fake smile. "Oh, Kit. It's good to see you. Now isn't the best time. Maybe come back later?"

Kit was about to readily oblige when he heard Ty's sweet voice from somewhere inside the room.

"Kit? Livvy, let him in. I don't mind if he hears us, I'd like to talk to him too," he said, and Kit couldn't help but smile. 

Livvy finally relented and opened the door wide. She gestured dramatically for Kit to enter, and he did. He looked around the room and was again amazed at it. While he wasn't much a fan of reading or books, he admired the stacks that adorned Ty's room. The specific color organized spines made Kit feel as if Ty was on display everywhere he looked. Kit loved it. 

"What were you two arguing about? I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but ..." Kit couldn't think of anything else to say, and let his words carry off into the room. He kept glancing at Livvy, expecting the answer from her, but it was Ty that spoke up.

"Livvy wants to become parabatai. I declined. I want to study at the Scholomance." Ty said it so matter-o-factly that Kit nodded even though he had no idea what the Scholomance was. He shook his head for a moment before asking the obvious. 

"What the hell is the Scholomance? Some kind of school? And why can't you go there and be parabatai?" Kit looked from Ty to Livvy and back again. When it was clear that Ty was done explaining himself, Livvy sighed dramatically and focused on Kit.

"In a way, yes. The Scholomance is like a school. But it's brutal and harsh. And they don't allow parabatai there, and despise outsiders. Ty would rarely ever see us." Livvy was looking deep into Kit's eyes, as if trying to relay some sort of secret message, but Kit didn't understand. He was barely looking at her anymore. His glazed over for several moments, and he kept hearing what Livvy had said. Ty wanted to leave. 

Through the haze that had become his head, he heard Livvy huff and mumble something to herself. Then she left. Kit was left alone with Ty, and he couldn't focus on anything.

What felt like minutes later, Ty waved a hand in front of Kit's face. "You're on my side about this right? Everyone is so against me going, Livvy especially. I think she wants to become parabatai so she can protect me. But," Ty paused, searching for the right words. "I want to be able to protect myself. I don't want to need anyone to look out for me. You, out of everyone, you understand me right?" Ty looked into Kit's eyes, really looked into them, and waited for an answer.

With everything Kit had in him, he wanted to agree. He wanted to tell Ty to follow his heart and study at the Scholomance. He wanted Ty to smile at him, but most of all he wanted Ty to keep looking at him like he could read every secret and history across the lines of his face. But his mouth wouldn't form the words. Kit couldn't look Ty in the eye and lie to him. He couldn't tell Ty that he wanted him to leave, because with all that he was, Kit wanted him to stay.

"I understand," Kit finally said. Because he did understand what Ty was saying, in a way. He rushed to continue before he saw Ty smile and he lost his nerve.   
"I understand, but won't you miss everyone? Wouldn't you miss Livvy?" 

Kit didn't ask what he was really thinking. He held himself back from taking Ty by the shoulders and asking:  _won't you miss me?_

Ty tore his gaze away from Kit's eyes and sighed. "I might. It doesn't matter anyway, only Livvy would mind me leaving." 

Before he could stop him, Ty turned away from Kit and sat down on his bed. Kit watched as he ran his agile fingers through his black hair. Taking a risk, Kit sat down next to Ty. They sat so close their thighs were brushing. Ty immediately looked up and stared at Kit again. Kit relished the captured attention and used it to try and make a point to Ty.

"Your whole family would miss you," Kit started, silently psyching himself up to continue. "And I would miss you."

Ty continued to stare at him, but it was different now. His eyebrows were furrowed slightly and his lips had parted in a near silent intake of breath. Kit didn't know what else to do, so he only repeated himself.

"I would miss you, Ty. I won't stop you, but-"

Kit wasn't able to finish his sentence as Ty hastily wrapped his arms around Kit's neck. 

Without another thought, Kit circled his arms around the other boy's waist and held him. Ty leaned his head on Kit's shoulder, and the two of them simply sat there. Kit didn't know, or care for that matter, how long they sat in each others arms. They seemed to exist now only in a bubble. 

Minutes must have passed before Kit heard Ty whisper a small thanks before releasing Kit and walking out of his room. Kit was left staring after him, in awe of what just happened.

He could feel a warm heat in his cheeks and a wildfire raging in his chest. Every nerve ending was burning, and Kit could still feel the weight of Ty's hand on the back of his neck. When reality finally caught up to him, he thought he might never stop grinning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was a point while writing this where I typed 'potato' instead of parabatai. 
> 
> also sorry that all my chapters have been so short. I try to make up for it by updating often.


	4. The Sun Shouldn't Shine on Some

The sun shone agonizingly bright through the window curtains, and Kit Rook had never felt such anger at the expense of a symbol for joy. He yanked a pillow over his head and pleaded to whatever higher power existed to let him drift back into the dark mercy of sleep. Unsurprisingly, he remained conscious and miserable. He thought that maybe if California relented it's drought and let the sun die for a single day, he might be less grumpy. Maybe if the weather outside matched the eerie atmosphere the Institute had taken on in the past couple days, Kit could find it in himself to cheer up. But the skies remained yellow and full, even if the sullen halls of the Institute made him feel as if they should be murky and set to rain. All Kit wanted to do was hibernate and shut off his brain- along with all it's incessant thoughts. Even the Shadowhunters seemed to share his nullified mood and went about their days seemingly spiritless. And, unfortunately, Kit could tie all of it back to one Tiberius Blackthorn.

The past few days, Ty had been severely pushing the Scholomance to anyone who would listen, but especially Julian. And Kit was coming to learn that when Julian wasn't happy, no one at the Institute was. So the breakfast table fell into a hazy blur filled with Julian's scowls, Emma's deep sighs, and Livvy's eerie silence. Kit couldn't help but feel as if he was the real culprit behind everything however. After all, he was the one who had talked to Ty not two nights ago about his plans to leave them all behind to study with other genius Shadowhunters. Ty must have heard him wrong, or taken something he said out of context, because Kit was sure he was persuading his best friend to stay. And after that embrace ... Kit was positive he had gotten his message across loud and clear. But now Ty was more stubbornly set on the Scholomance than ever.

Kit curled his fingers tightly around his white sheets, clenching a fistful of the soft fabric. God, he wanted to scream. At himself, the world, but mostly at Ty. He wanted to scream and yell and whisper and beg. He wanted to sit his friend down and divulge every damned thought that had been burning across his mind in the last several months. He wanted to yell at him for even thinking of leaving, and for making Kit care like he did. He wanted to ask him what was so repulsive about Kit, or Livvy, or any of them that made Ty want to leave so badly. He wanted to kneel in from of him, look into those grey eyes, and beg him not to leave. He wanted to finally tell him, in a way that could never be misinterpreted or misunderstood, how much Kit could care if Ty was gone, how the Institute would be so empty without him, how much he _loved_ -

 

Kit stilled in his bed. His mind was blank save for that one simple, devastating, looming word: _Love_.

 

His mind began racing, and he was suddenly sitting up, still half under the sheets. He was staring at his hands as if they held some sort of secret knowledge that would answer everything. Of course, there wasn't really a question to be answered. Because Kit already knew. It hit him like a ton of bricks, and it was like he could suddenly breathe. All at once it was frightening and freeing, and Kit felt as if he was floating. The moment the thought had entered his mind, Kit's world had altered so drastically that nothing could ever reverse the change. Because _obviously_   he loved Ty. He had to be an idiot not to see it. He practically melted every time Ty smiled in his general direction.

But, Ty was leaving. He  _wanted_   to leave. How could Kit ever explain this to him, or to anyone? And how could he be sure his feelings were genuine and not some pathetic pining his mind conjured up in anticipation for Ty's absence? Could someone even fall in love within the span of a few months?

Kit began to doubt himself and everything he ever took as fact in his relationship with Ty. He found himself racking through his memories and filing through every conversation and interaction the pair had ever had. The signs were all there, every conversation a flashing red light illuminating Kit's feelings. He felt more dense than he ever had in his life, but he was now absolutely sure that he could never tell Ty how he truly felt. He may love his best friend, but Kit was positive that the stubborn Blackthorn did not feel the same for him. The thought sent a painful stab through his chest, and Kit continued looking at his hands, content in wallowing in his angst ridden pain. 

A knock aggressively pulled him out of his own mind.

"Kit, are you still asleep? Come to breakfast, Julian made pancakes!" Livvy shouted from the other side of the door. Her enthusiasm made him smile. At least she was the one twin he could count on remaining his friend without any extra surprises on his part. He could always rely on her for a laugh or smile. 

"Yeah, Liv, I'll be out in a second," Kit replied, peeling himself out of bed and away from his problems. He thought that maybe if he could just ignore everything, it would all go away. 

It was a truly naive way of looking at things, but Kit had to admit, the thought made him smile. Being friends with Ty was one of the best things he had ever done and if somehow his feelings disappeared without a trace, he would be okay with that. He could continue being there for Ty as a friend, support his decision, and miss him when he was gone. There would be nothing more to it, and everything would be simple. 

He lazily yanked on his clothes and refused to let himself think of any other alternative than friendship. It would only give him too much hope to even believe for a second that Ty might reciprocate in any way, and even if he did, Kit was sure it wouldn't change anything. How could he expect Ty to stay for him when he wouldn't stay for Livvy? How could he love someone who was so far away? It would never work, so Kit had to resign himself to accept things as they were. 

He sighed, and rubbed his hand over his face, as if he could rub away every worried thought that plagued him. Desperate to leave his room, he ran out the door and kept running until he reached the kitchen. He slowed down and caught his breathe momentarily, surprised at how good the short jog felt.

Cautiously, he turned the corner into the dining room, not hearing the loud conversation he had expected to hear. Julian didn't make pancakes often, but it seemed to be a holiday around the Institute when he did. Arguments were put aside and bets were put on hold to enjoy the sweet breakfast. It was peculiar, to say the least, but Kit found it rather endearing. 

But as he walked in now, the atmosphere was tenser than ever. Julian looked as if he was going to use his fork as a weapon if someone so much as moved. Kit immediately froze in the doorway, not wanting to start any trouble in what was clearly a family matter. Surprisingly though, Emma's hand shot out from it's place on the table and rested on Julian's arm for a moment before her fingers appeared to dance over his skin. Kit was confused, but whatever she was doing worked. Julian seemed to calm down tremendously. The only downside was he started looking at Emma with these large puppy eyes that Kit wasn't sure that Julian was even aware of himself. The obvious tension between the two made him want to back out of breakfast until Livvy caught his eye and patted the empty seat between her and Ty.

Kit could do that. He could sit next to Ty and act normal. Simple. Easy.

As soon as he sat down, Ty turned to him and smiled. Kit immediately regretted his decision. This was definitely not simple and easy. Because Ty was either oblivious to the tense air in the room, or he was aware but was the cause. And if Ty kept grinning at him like that, Kit would agree with Ty on anything, even against his better judgement. He swallowed slowly and took his attention away from Ty without smiling in return. 

Diego was sitting at the table, which startled Kit a bit. He didn't know much about older Shadowhunter, besides that he had a sketchy past with Christina and Emma didn't seem to trust him. However, he didn't even seem to notice Kit. Diego was staring warily at Julian before glancing quickly at Ty.

"Well, Tiberius, the Scholomance is difficult. Being a Centurion is not easy. You need to be completely sure that it is what you want to do." Kit watched as Diego shifted uncomfortably in his seat, glancing worriedly at Julian and Livvy.

"Yes, yes, I know all that. But what I asked was if you thought I had the ability to study and train there." Ty sounded eager, and Kit felt a rush of guilt pour over him. Studying at the Scholomance was the one thing Ty wanted in the world, and Kit wanted his dream to be snatched away from him. 

He was selfish, so insensitive and selfish. _How could I love him and still want to him to stay?_  

"I don't know if I can answer that for you," Diego said before quietly excusing himself and leaving the table, closely followed by Christina.

Kit spared a look over at Ty and was nearly crushed by the forlorn expression on his face. He wanted to reach out and touch his hand, sitting just inches away from Kit's own. He practically yearned to entangle their fingers and squeeze Ty's hand, show him comfort and support. But he did nothing but continue to stare and feel helpless. He couldn't do anything to get Ty to smile, and it killed him on the inside.

The rest of breakfast continued in a deathly silence. It was only once interrupted by Ty reaching for the small butter dish and letting his fingers brush Kit's on the way. Kit could feel himself turn beet red and he buried his face low and acted like he was enthralled with his food. If anyone noticed, they didn't bother making any comment on it. Perhaps they saw Kit act this flustered all the time, and by now it was normal. It made him wonder how he hadn't realized his feelings for the other boy sooner. He nearly laughed at the memories of himself blushing at Ty's touch. How did he ever brush that off as normal friendship?

When the rigid breakfast was over and everyone else had filtered out of the room, Kit made to follow Ty to the training room, like they did every morning. But as he was getting up from his seat at the table, a hand grabbed his elbow and pulled him back down.

"Look, I don't know why, but Ty likes you. He trusts you. I can tell you see him differently." Julian said from beside Kit, without a question of the statements validity. Kit opened his mouth to argue, not because what Julian said was untrue, but because he was shaken by the amount of confidence that he held in his words. It seemed unfair to him that Julian had known all along how Kit felt when had only just found out. But Julian put up his hand to silence him.

"I get it. I see how you look at him. If I could guess, it's probably the same way I look around Emma. But if you hurt Ty, in any way, you're gone. I don't care if you have to sleep in a back alley somewhere or what the Clave has to say about it. If Ty is ever in trouble or pain, and I find out that you're the cause..." His words trailed off, but Kit got the message. He was too  stunned to say anything so he just nodded. This was probably the most Julian had ever spoken to Kit at once, and it definitely caught him off guard. Kit almost thought Julian might continue, but he just let go of Kit's arm and walked out of the room. 

Of course Kit would never hurt Ty. Why would he? And as long as Ty never found out how Kit felt, there would never be a reason that Ty would ever get hurt at his expense. Somehow, Kit had to find a way to either make his thoughts about the Blackthorn boy less obvious, or force himself out of love. The latter sounded awful, and Kit was not eager to have the situation come to that. 

The woman who came to get him that first day- Tessa was her name- had tried talking to him at length. Kit was avidly against being a Shadowhunter then, but he did listen to her. She had a soft voice that made him want to hear it all day. She told him of an old relative of his, who she had known, but had died a long time ago. She told him stories of how loving he was, and how he even tried to push everyone he loved away in order to save them. Kit doesn't remember his name, or the details of how his story turned out really, but suddenly Tessa's words were coming back to him. 

"He thought that if you love something, you let it go. He applied that sentiment to most things, because you come from people who love deep and with everything they have. That is a virtue worth cherishing, Christopher Herondale." Kit remembered cutting her off as soon as she called him that. He still hated to be called it. It never felt right. But now that he recalls her words, he wondered if she had somehow seen into his future and known he would have need advice.

Without any sound giving him away, Ty popped back into the room, looking at him with a sly grin that Kit had never seen before.

"Are you coming Kit? I bet I can finally beat you at sparring today," Ty bragged, because he had come close the last time. Kit couldn't even bring himself to tell Ty that he never really wanted to win against him. Kit had noticed early on Ty's signature move when they were fighting was to sweep his legs out from beneath him and pin Kit do the ground with an arm against his chest. He might never admit it, but he thought Ty looked stunning when their faces were only inches apart.

_If you love something, you let it go._ The words rang out in Kit's head as he was about to get up from the table and follow the eager looking Blackthorn. What better way to honor a dead member of a family he cared nothing for than to follow his advice?

"Sorry Ty, not today."

Ty's look of utter distraught almost kept him from walking past him and out the door. 

Almost.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who leaves comments or kudos on my work. You all make my day, especially with your kind comments. Special shout out to [readandart222 ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/readandart222/pseuds/readandart222%20) and Maú for their awesome comments that made me smile and want to continue writing this. You both rock.
> 
> Also I promise this chapter was waaaaaayyyy better but Microsoft Word crashed when I was in the middle of writing it so I had to rewrite it from memory. Let me tell you, I was not happy. That is also the reason this chapter is so late. Because after it all my work was gone, I was angry and refused to write. Because I'm petty and somehow my mind figured that was a proper way to punish a computer program.
> 
> But this did help me procrastinate Calculus assignments, so I hope you enjoyed the fruits of my misguided labor.


	5. Love and other things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kit doesn't know when to quit.  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> haha rhymes

Ty was either extremely stubborn or eternally oblivious. Kit hoped for the latter, but assumed it was probably the former.

The Blackthorn boy had been following him mercilessly since Kit made the decision to spend less time with his best friend. Because that's what they were and all they could ever be: good friends. Kit loved him, the fact becoming more apparent to Kit everyday, but he knew that it would only cause trouble. Kit's feeling could only stand to hurt Ty, and Kit would be damned before he ever did that.

However, the beautiful asshole wasn't making it easy on him. Now more than ever it seemed like Ty was constantly at Kit's side. Talking to him, making plans that Kit could never say no to, touching him. It was driving Kit mad. It was even worse when Ty would look at him with those wide grey eyes and ask him what was wrong. He couldn't bring himself to lie to Ty, so he would only shake his head and walk away. Kit only guessed that Ty would eventually take the hint, and let him have a single second alone.  
It almost made him laugh: a week ago, Kit would have been more than happy to spend so much time with Ty, overjoyed even, but now it felt like every interaction with him just made his chest hurt. Every time he thought about it in fact, he could almost hear his father chastise him for being such a lovesick girl.

Kit sighed and slumped against the training room door, the one place in the Institute that he was least likely to run into Ty. He wasn't even sure if Ty still trained there in the mornings, after their altercation at breakfast a week ago Kit had stopped going himself. Only Mark seemed to be in the room, and even Kit could bare his strangeness for an hour or two. He glanced over at the second oldest Blackthorn and shook his head as he saw the older boy attack a dummy with a short stick.

"I know I'm new at all this, but I think that most Shadowhunters don't fight with sticks. Knives and swords I've seen. Sticks would be new," Kit called out to him, just to start a conversation and get his mind off Ty.

"I can't say really. I'm not a Shadowhunter. I'm not Fae. Somewhere in between. And when you are in between, you fight with a stick. Don't you fight with a stick?" Mark asked offhandedly, as if what he was saying was common knowledge. Kit would laugh at the ridiculousness of it if Mark didn't seem so serious. He almost opened his mouth to tell him that, no, he certainly did not train with wooden sticks, but Mark carried on anyway.

"Besides," he continued, "I've been told not to talk to you." Mark set down the stick next to the attack dummy, and glanced not-so inconspicuously at Kit. He stared so thoroughly that Kit began to shift in place. He couldn't even open his mouth to question Mark's statement. He felt like he was under the scrutiny of a parent, but not even his father had made him feel this uncomfortable. Finally, Mark tore his gaze from Kit and began to walk toward the exit of the training room. Before Mark could leave, Kit seemed to return to himself and hurriedly attempted to block the door.

"Wait, why can't you speak to me? Who told you not to?" Kit asked before lowering his voice unconsciously. "Was it Ty?" Maybe he'd finally become fed up with Kit ans was spreading word around the Institute to freeze him out. Even just the thought made him cringe inwardly, but it was what he was trying to do. Distance himself so no one was put off or hurt by the inconvenience of Kit's feelings. He seemed to have to remind himself of that a lot lately.

"No, Tiberius doesn't talk to me much. It was Julian. He says you aren't much different than your father, and you are too close to the family already." Mark didn't even look at him as he spoke, and simply walked around Kit and out the door.  
It really shouldn't surprise him, given their most recent conversation, but Kit had assumed that Julian was working off spur of the moment anger, and perhaps a bit of frustration at seeing Emma and Mark together again. But apparently this was something that had been thought through. Julian probably hated him. Or, at the very least, hated his father enough to let it blind him. He wondered if Julian had mentioned anything to Ty.

It was beyond pointless to think of Ty at all, at this point. To wonder what he was thinking, or doing at any given moment. Kit tried to repeat that to himself. But no matter how many times he thought the words, they just wouldn't become true. It was true what archaic old poets said. Absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder. But it was easier this way. He knew that. It was best to try and break himself instead of try and ruin Ty with the truth. Because the truth was messy, and something Kit had been torturing himself about for days. If he had to, he would completely cut himself off from the other boy entirely. It was better to break his won heart than hand it over to Ty to smash for him.

Minutes after Mark had left the room, Livvy burst in with a panicked look on her face. She frantically searched the entire huge space of the room before her gaze finally landed back on Kit. When she saw him, her eyes practically doubled in size.

"Finally! You've been elusive for eight days and I barely see you, and I find you here? In the last place I look?" Her voice was raising an octave with every other word she spoke, and it was taking every ounce of self control that Kit possessed to keep from flinching at the sound. Kit found himself questioning what strange emergency had Livvy both separated from Ty and looking like she was about to commit a murder. Fortunately, Livvy gave him no time to answer or even think of a response before she continued to berate him at an increasing speed.

"Ty has been looking for you in your room for the last half hour. He's been on the rampage ever since he saw you turn around and walk the other way when you saw us in the hallway earlier. He won't tell me what's wrong; he only paces around your room mumbling under his breath. Now, please tell me what you two are arguing about so I can fix it. Angel knows we don't need two more people passive aggressively ignoring each other. Save that for Julian and Emma." Livvy paused for a moment, looking Kit in the eye. "So explain yourself. Why are you and Ty fighting?" She asked him, with a look in her eye that Kit couldn't quite discern. 

"We're not fighting. Not really. Ty - he didn't do anything. It's my fault. Ty's been... great." Kit said it all in one slow breath, shakily dragging his hand through his hair. He couldn't say it in so many words, but he desperately hoped Livvy understood what he meant. He needed to tell someone, to let it all out.

Livvy didn't move for several seconds, and blinked slowly several times. It was times like this when Kit could really see the similarities between her and Ty. They both had the same look when they were deep in thought about something: furrowed eyebrows, taught expressions, eyes that never settled on a single thing. It was actually calming for Kit to see that in her, to feel as if he had a little bit of Ty with him when he was with her. 

He knew she understood exactly what he had said when she jerked her head to the side and gawked at Kit like he was the dumbest person she'd ever seen. 

"I cannot believe you. Or Ty. You're both a pair of idiots. I love my brother, and he's a genius, but an idiot all the same. Come on," She said, grabbing Kit's hard with a little too much force and dragging him out of the training room. She held on to him and marched him a fair distance down the hall before finally stopping and turning to Kit again.

"Go. Now. Go to your room and talk to him. Before I drag you there myself." Livvy dragged a hand across her face and let out a huff of breath before she turned around and stalked off in the opposite direction. Kit thought he heard her muttering to herself, but he couldn't be sure. 

Kit knew that he didn't have to actually go down to his room and face Ty. He knew he could go to the kitchen, or take a walk to the beach. He could go anywhere that would allow him to keep avoiding Ty. But his legs carried him towards the other boy anyway. And each step closer to confronting Ty sent a jolt through Kit's body. He had to keep repeating in his mind what Julian told him a week ago. He had to remind himself of all the promises he had made to never tell Ty, and try to forget everything he felt. He repeated that over and over in his head until he reached the massive wooden door to his room.

Ty must have been wearing some sort of rune that enhances hearing, because Kit was standing at the door for more than a few seconds before it was thrown open in a bout of anger. Suddenly Ty was standing in front of him, and every promise or vow Kit had been telling himself moments ago vanished. Every thought was gone, all of it replaced by Ty. Standing there, watching Ty glare at him, he had the urge to make a new promise. An oath to dark curly hair and unfairly pretty grey eyes.  

"I don't understand you. We were best friends, and then nothing. I've spent days thinking about it but I still don't know, and I _hate_ not knowing. You're my friend, Kit, you shouldn't just leave. Tell me what I did." Ty wasn't yelling, wasn't even raising his voice. In the entire time Kit had known him, Ty would never scream or yell when he was mad. But his voice became so cold and empty, that Kit almost wished he was being yelled at, or chastised. Instead he became acutely aware that Ty had been hurt in the end. Julian was right. It didn't matter what Kit did or didn't do. He couldn't protect anyone around him from getting hurt. And the fact that Ty assumed it was his fault for what Kit had done ... it made Kit feel guiltier than he already did.

"Ty," he started, unsure of what he was going to say next. "You didn't do anything. None of this is your fault. But we can't be friends, not anymore, not now. I'd only hurt you." He paused again, trying to find some kind of forgotten will power to force the words out of him. "What I feel for you is different than what you feel. You've made that clear so I just need space to ... get over it. To get over you." Kit hoped that Ty understood him, like Livvy did, but he knew that Ty wasn't the best with vague details. Kit dreaded the thought of having to say the words out loud.

"Do you want to be parabatai? Is that it? Kit, you know-"

"No!" Kit nearly shouted, cutting Ty off before he could say another word. "No, I don't want to be your parabatai. That might be the last thing I want. I-I love you. I'm _in_ love with you, and your stupid pretty eyes and that perfect face of yours It's actually quite irritating." Kit tries to laugh, or even smile, but it was useless. He could only stare at Ty with baited breath, waiting for some kind of reaction.

He had imagined telling dozens of times in the past several days, each with a different outcome in mind. He imagined Ty upset, disgusted, or angry. But he'd never imagined the confused rage that slowly overcame Ty's features.

"Did Livvy put you up to this? Did she tell you to lie to me so I would want to stay?" If looks could kill, Kit would be six feet under. Ty was looking at him as if he was the scum of the earth, and it made Kit want to shrivel inside his own skin. "I thought you were better than this, Kit. I thought I could trust you."

"What?" Kit asked. He was beyond confused, but he could already see Ty turning to storm past him out the door.  
"Ty wait, I didn't-"

In a huff of exaggerated breath, Ty shoved past him and stomped down the hall. Kit could guess where he was going; it was where Ty always went when he was upset and needed to calm himself down. Ty's room was filled with more books that Kit would probably ever read in his life, but just being in the presence of them could help Ty relax if he was feeling anxious. Normally, Kit would never follow Ty in a situation like this. He needs to be alone sometimes, and Kit understood that completely. But this was too important.

Without another thought, Kit marched down the hall after him, determined to set the record straight. He'd already embarrassed himself by telling Ty how he felt, and he wasn't about to let Ty think he was playing some kind of practical joke. 

Ty was ready to slam his door in Kit's face when he finally reached the other boy, but Kit caught the door just in time. Ty already had his mouth open with a ready argument, but Kit wouldn't even let him start. He felt a burst of sudden energy that hadn't been there before.

"Do you really think so little of me to think that I would lie about this? You know I support the Scholomance, and whatever you choose do with it. I would never pretend that I'd be happy when you're not here, but I wont get in your way. Do whatever you want with what I told you, but please don't think I lied." Kit was aware that he was nearly begging, but he didn't care. He could see the anger slowly disappear from Ty's eyes, replaced with disbelief. He almost looked calm before a wave of anxiety hit him.

Ty reached a hand up and yanked a bit of his hair as he took a staggered step back. 

"No, no, no," Ty mumbled, and Kit's heart nearly sank. "This isn't happening- I never thought - no, no, _no._ "

Kit was unsure of what to do. It seemed obvious to him that Ty was rejecting him, but he couldn't bear to see him standing there in pain. He did the only thing he knew might calm him.

In a single, swift movement, Kit reached out and grabbed the other boy's wrists. His grip was loose and gentle so Ty could pull away if he needed. He didn't.

"Yes," Kit whispered into the air between them. It was the only thing he could think to say.

 

Kit could never be able to describe the moment that Ty arched his head up and ever so gently pressed their lips together. It was magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was kind of bad. I've been in such a creative slump lately, so I've just been trying to force myself to write. Hopefully you like it though!


	6. The Last Good Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not even it's own chapter but an extension on the last chapter after they kiss. Kind of a filler chapter so I'm really sorry about that.

 

Time seemed to stand still. Ty's mouth was still on his, and the other boy gently pulled his hands out of Kit's grasp. As Ty hesitantly threaded his fingers through Kit's blonde hair, it seemed as if there was nothing in the universe except for them. Kit and Ty. Ty and Kit. Nothing else was real. Nothing else _needed_ to be real.

Kit moved his lips against Ty's and willingly let the world dissolve around them. His hands found themselves hovering above Ty's waist, touching, but not quite. The moment was different that Kit had ever imagined. Better. 

But then it was over, and Ty was pulling away. His delicate fingers slid out of Kit's hair and rested themselves at the nape of his neck instead. His eyes were furrowed, and he looked like he did when he was trying to solve an especially intricate mystery or problem. Usually, Kit would have marveled at Ty in his element like this, and watched the cogs turn in his beautiful brain until he finally found an answer. But now, looking down on the boy who had just kissed him, he only wished he knew exactly what he was thinking. Finally, Ty looked up at him, and his grey eyes shone with a vibrant intensity. There were questions buried there, in those eyes that continued to make Kit weak at the knees. But Kit could could barely form a coherent string of thoughts when Ty was standing this close to him, and he knew he couldn't give Ty the conversation he wanted when he was so out of it. 

So Kit pulled away from Ty completely. Once there was even a fraction of space between them, Kit immediately felt like he'd done something wrong. He wanted to pull Ty close to him again, and kiss him until they were forced to stop from exhaustion. But he had made his choices, had said what he had needed to say, and now it was Ty's time to speak.

"Wow," Ty started once they had closed the door and sat down on the bed. It had taken everything in Kit not to sit so close to Ty that their legs touched, and they would be forced to brush arms, or fingers. There had been several seconds where they sat in silence, the space  between them seeming like miles. It had been Ty who reached out and awkwardly grabbed Kit's hand, fingers intertwined, and lay their clasped hands in the space between them. Kit had blushed, and the pink flush still occupied his cheeks and neck.

"Yeah," Kit agreed, never taking his eyes off their interlocked hands. 

"I thought you were avoiding me because you figured out how  _I_  felt." Ty shook his head, and let out a shaky breath. Kit couldn't help but laugh. He tried covering it with a cough, but there was no use. He laughed long and hard, nearly snorting at one point. Livvy was right; they _were_ idiots. The irony of the entire situation was not lost on him, and it just made him laugh harder.

Ty was looking at him with wide eyes, a concerned look plastered over his face. Another laugh built it's way up Kit's throat, and Kit covered his mouth with his unoccupied hand in a vain attempt to stifle the unending laughter. He probably looked like a lunatic. The look Ty was giving him confirmed that theory.

"Are you alright?" Ty asked, giving their hands a small squeeze that tore every laugh and giggle out of Kit's mouth. The bright red blush creeped up his cheeks again, and he was calm. 

"No, yeah, I'm fine. It's just," Kit paused, searching for the right words. He looked at Ty, and was surprised to find Ty looking back. Making eye contact. Smiling. Those few simple actions that flushed away every doubt he had about Ty's feelings for him. "I thought you saw me as a friend. Which would have been fine, by the way. I just never thought you'd actually feel the same way. I never even gave the idea a second thought."

Ty looked serious now, his smile gone and the crease between his eyebrows returned. 

"I thought I was being obvious. I mean, I hugged you." Ty said it all with such seriousness that Kit couldn't help but let a small giggle loose again. Ty lost his stern look though, and smiled as Kit fell into a another fit. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kit said as he calmed himself down after a moment or two. "I think I'm delirious or something. I can't believe this is actually happening. You kissed me." Kit looked over at Ty. "And it was great."

Ty smiled, wide and unchecked.  Kit felt his heart swoon. 

"We could always do it again."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...now you have seen my attempt at writing fluff. o_o
> 
> But I'm just not sure what to do with this fic. That's kind of the reason I haven't posted in weeks and this chapter was so small(that and I just moved). 
> 
>  
> 
> ((also have any of you read the Six of Crows duology? because you need to. it's amazing.))


	7. Smiles, Kisses, and Everything in Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's 3am and all of a sudden I had Ideas™

Kit stared at Ty across the short distance between them. He could feel the corners of his mouth still frozen in some eternal grin; he thought he'd never stop smiling. Because Ty was right there, a few inches from him on the bed, and Kit wasn't dreaming. It was real. Even just thinking about it made him smile wider.

Ty noticed Kit's expression and blushed, ducking his head into the crook of Kit's neck. 

"If we're going to make this work, you need to stop looking at me like that," Ty mumbled into Kit's skin. He could just barely feel the brush of soft lips against the dip in his collarbone, and Kit thought he might implode.

"Looking at you like what?" Kit hummed instead, trying to maneuver his body so that he was once again facing Ty. 

They were laying out on Kit's bed, aggravatingly innocent, just talking and enjoying have the other there. It was surreal almost, both of them laying on their sides facing the other. It felt as if time had stopped, and it was just the two of them, and nothing else. Like the universe was giving in for just a moment to let them have this time together.

"Staring at me like I'm some miracle sent by the Angel. Like I'm the answer to some question you've been trying to figure out for ages. Like I'm more than just...me." Ty sighed and looked directly into Kit's eyes, searching for some sign that Kit understood him at all.

Kit just shook his head, letting out a small breath of amusement.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that," he replied simply. "And do you want to know why?" he prodded, raising his eyebrows.

Ty rolled his eyes, but nodded his head in confirmation. It was all that Kit needed to continue.

"Because," he started, pausing for dramatic effect, "Tiberius Nero Blackthorn, you are all of those things. And more." Kit knew he was being over dramatic, but he loved it. He loved being able to tell Ty just how amazing he was. He loved seeing Ty squirm and blush under the light of such compliments. He loved everything that had been happening between them the past several weeks, and hated when he was kept awake at night with nagging thoughts of their inevitable separation.

Ty pushed himself out of Kit's arms with a groan, and sat up in the bed.   
"That was awful," he said, but Kit could already see the flush of red blooming across Ty's features.

The pair sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Kit remained horizontal on the bed, still grinning like a maniac. Ty reached out and took hold of one of Kit's hands, stealing the air out of Kit's lungs in the process. He gave his fingers a light squeeze before letting his thumb rub rhythmically across the tanned skin. 

"I'm going to miss," Ty whispered, so quiet it was little more than a huff of air. Kit thought he had imagined it all together when Ty spoke up again.

"I'm going to miss you." Ty was looking him in the eye, and Kit couldn't name the emotion that rushed into his mind, body, and soul. It was as if he was feeling everything all at once, too quick to process. He almost couldn't breathe. 

"Don't tell me your leaving the bed so soon," he managed to choke out, trying to sound light and humorous. "We've barely just started doing all that cheesy couple stuff."

Ty looked at him then, and Kit could tell that it wasn't the time for jokes. For the first time all day,  he didn't feel like smiling. The atmosphere in the room had gone from warm to chilly in an instant, and Kit thought he would do anything to get it back. To get Ty back from this insatiable edge he always seemed to be edging closer to. It was something Kit barely acknowledged during daylight hours, but that kept him from sleeping half the time. 

"You know what I mean, Kit. The Scholomance. We have a few more years, but I already think about it, all the time. That is, if you still tolerate me by the time I leave. Who knows, really, what'll happen between now and then. You'll probably be gone alr-" 

Kit sat up from his position on the bed and carefully used his hand to cover Ty's mouth as he came eye to eye with the other boy. It was obvious to him that Ty shared all of Kit's own anxieties, and then some. But he still couldn't bear to hear the words spoken aloud, especially when he knew Ty was internally blaming himself for whatever hypothetical scenario running in his mind right now. Making sure Ty didn't object or push him away, Kit removed his hand from Ty's mouth and replaced it with his lips. 

Ty tasted of sea salt and something indescribable, a flavor Kit was sure he would never grow tired of being on the tip of his tongue. Ty grew pliant against Kit as their mouths worked in an inverse unison and sparks flew behind Kit's eyelids. A sharp tug came from his hair as Ty's fingers found themselves wound in his golden strands. Kit left his hands floating a millimeter above Ty's waist, pulling him ever closer, but still slightly unsure where the other boy's boundaries were today. They broke apart slowly, before  reconnecting a second later for a series of smaller kisses. Kit leaned down to kiss the corner of Ty's mouth, then his cheek, and then his curve of his jaw, before coming back up to look the young Blackthorn in the face again.

Ty's face was expectantly flushed,  but it was the starry look of wonder that glazed over his eyes that finally returned the wide grin to Kit's face.

"Hey," Kit practically purred, bring his hand up to tenderly stroke Ty's cheekbone with his thumb. "I'm here. And I'll stay here, as long as you'll have me. I'm not going anywhere."

Kit meant every word. If Ty told him to leave, if he wanted him gone, he would go, no questions asked. If Ty decided he was done with Kit, if he wanted to end this thing between them, Kit would step away. But until then, he would remain wherever Ty needed him. Kit didn't know if Ty fully understood the full extent of what he meant to him, but Kit would spend every day trying to show him.

Ty tilted his head and stared at Kit, furrowing his eyebrows. It was a look Kit knew meant that he had begun to think about something, hard and deep. It meant that his brain was whirring like a machine at a million miles per minute, and Kit would never be able to catch up with it. So instead of trying, he just smiled and watched the traces of ideas flicker across every beautiful  part of Ty's face. 

Finally, he went still, and a sly grin worked it's way across his stunning lips.

"Maybe we wouldn't have to be apart," Ty simpered, placing his hands softly on Kit's neck. Kit made it a point to never let his hope  be raised to uncontrollable levels that could only end badly, but with the way that Ty was looking at him, Kit's heart soared with optimism. 

"Maybe you could join the Scholomance with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have absolutely no excuse for this late ass update. I greatly envy all fic writers who just always have inspiration and ideas. Where do they get it from? Which demon to I have to sell my soul to? 
> 
> I'm not the only one who has already pre-ordered Lord of Shadows, am I?
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> ((also would any of you have any interest in seeing my non-fanfiction writing? I have a wattpad where I've posted a couple of things, but I completely understand if y'all just want to read my fan stuff. ))


	8. Former Foes

Kit didn't know what he had done. It was the truth about most things, but now he felt as if the world was sitting on his chest and crushing all the air out of his lungs. He felt like he as barely keeping it together, and every time he saw Ty he felt his chest constrict with the guilt of his lie and Ty's happy face. Uncertainty was eating him alive and he didn't know what to do.

It wasn't as if he could actually go to the Scholomance. He was barely a Shadowhunter at all, much less one of their highest elite. He didn't know if could face, if he  _wanted_ to face it. He didn't know if he even wanted to try, even for Ty. And that was what kept him up at night. 

Ty had so quickly become everything to him after his father died, and these intrusive thoughts felt like some kind of betrayal to his best friend, to the boy he knew now that he loved. If he couldn't make a sacrifice for him of all people, than what good was Kit doing at the Institute? Why was he even there?

He had spent the better part of his nights worrying about everything. He was barely sleeping, and each night he was coming closer and closer to the fact that he might be forced into going to the Scholomance after all. 

Ty was counting on him to do this with him, to do this _for_ him. But Kit couldn't see any way out. Ty was stuck in his ways, was as stubborn as a bull, and Kit would never want to change that about him. He only wished he could actually talk to Ty about any of this, instead of anxiously mulling over worst case scenarios until he was on the verge of panicking. Really, he wished there was anyone he could talk to about this. Immediately, he thought of Livvy, but quickly let that thought fall from his mind. She would berate him about making promises to her brother that he couldn't keep. As much as they were friends, she would defend Ty with her life and would always take his side. What Kit needed was someone who maybe had a semblance of understanding for what he was going through. And then, he knew exactly who he should be talking to.

He crept dawn the hallways, wary of how the old floorboards of the Institute had an annoying tendency to creak at the worst possible moments. It was probably some ancient Shadowhunter way to keep anyone from having any kind of fun, Kit thought as he had to watch his every step. 

When he finally made it to the right door with a minimal amount of noise, he knocked, wincing as the hollow noise echoed through the hall. A voice from within the room came almost immediately before the door was yanked open.

"Emma?" Julian asked, eyes wide and hopeful, before looking down and seeing only Kit. He sighed, and Kit could practically see his guard go back up.  
"What are you doing here, Rook?" He asked, rubbing a hand over his face. It was a move Kit had seen his father perform quite often, when he was stressed and tired of the world weighing on his shoulders.  

After a few seconds of Kit's continued silence, Julian rolled his eyes and beckoned him into his room. 

"Why," He asked, voice graveled from an obvious lack of sleep, "are you at my room in the middle of the night?"

Kit didn't answer until the door was closed firmly behind him and he had Julian's undivided attention.

"I need to talk to you about your brother." He said simply, hoping a bit too late that Julian had already gotten over his adamant dislike of Kit's relationship with Ty. 

"I've already told you, I don't like you seeing him." Julian said, crossing his arms. "But," he continued, "I'm willing to let that go as long as he stays as happy as he has been lately. You bring out a different side of him, and even I have to admit it's a good thing."

Kit was so stunned by this answer that he momentarily forgot why he had come here in the first place. 

"Was that it?" Julian asked, giving Kit an irritated look. "You came down at one o'clock in the morning to get my blessing?" 

"What? No, no. I really need to talk, and I think you might be the only one who could understand. Given, y'know, you and Emma." Kit regretted the last few words the moment they left his mouth, and Julian looked a moment away from throwing him out of his room, and the Institute as well. But his face broke a little after a few moments.

"You have five minutes."

So Kit explained everything to him. He told him how he tried to avoid Ty after his conversation with Julian, how he tried to ignore what he felt for the good of Ty. He described Livvy's intervention, and waxed poetic about what he felt about Julian's brother. Kit went on a tangent about the all the ways he adored Tiberius Blackthorn.  
He explained the Scholomance, and why he was up in the middle of the night, worrying about his relationship. He told him all the false promises he made to Ty, and how the guilt was eating away at him. He explained how he was at a loss, and felt like he was living in a strange purgatory where no option seemed to be the right one and every sacrifice seemed to big. It was his happiness or Ty, and Kit didn't trust himself enough to make that decision.

After he was done speaking, lasting well over five minutes, Kit felt exhausted. But he also felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. He was lighter than he had been in weeks.

Julian looked at Kit with a mix of empathy and recognition. He shook his head, and Kit realized just how dark the under circles of his eyes were. It made him wonder just how many nights he had spent just like him, letting the dark consume him.

With a look Kit swore almost looked like trust- though it could have merely been sleep deprivation- Julian opened his mouth and didn't stop talking for hours.

The two of them sat in Julian's room until the sun began to rise on the beach, and golden rays illuminated the art decorating Julian's walls. Kit could see Julian cracking open hour after hour, and what he saw was like looking in a mirror.

And maybe that was why Julian had been so adverse to Kit staying at the Institute and being with Ty; rarely does one ever like what they see in their reflection.

When Kit finally left, he felt like he and Julian had come to an understanding. They weren't friends, not really, but they were the same in so many things. Both grappled at adulthood from childhoods that refused to let them be children. Both orphans far too early, taking up a mantle of self-preservation.  
Stepping out of Julian's room, Kit saw that the skin under the Blackthorn boy's eyes had grown even darker, and he looked one hard push away from blowing away in the wind. But he stood a little straighter, shoulders firm and steady. Kit gave him a small smile and nod before he was off down the hallway for the second time that night. Only this time, he had made up his mind.  

 

Knocking on the door of Tiberius Nero Blackthorn was no strange feat in and of itself- it was something Kit had done again and again in his days at the Institute. Knocking on the door of Tiberius Nero Blackthorn to break up with him?

Utterly terrifying. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes at you three months later with an update* pls don't hate me.
> 
> In all honesty though, I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in 84 years. (next updates won't be as long a wait I swear) Because what's a better way to stop you from writing than exams and writer's block? Also there's probably only going to be a few more chapters left anyway, because LOS is coming out in a month or so (bless) and I'll probably want to write a whole bunch of new fic after I read it. I'm betting 80% of this fic will be off canon after that book so might as well start with something fresh! 
> 
> Thank you so much to the people who have read, commented, and left kudos. Y'all are the best.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading this, let me know if you like it. Also let me know if you don't, I'm always up for constructive criticism.


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